D.S. al Fine

D.S. al Fine: Return to the sign, and carry through until the end.

A returning to my First Love.

I lost it once. I played the game and even did quite well at it. But my First Love went on the back-burner while my works went forward. The gifting? It was real. He gives that freely. But the way I was carrying it out was in looking at Him from a distance. It was a ‘we-see-each-other-in-group-get-togethers’ friendship instead of talking long into the night and trusting and thinking of Him all the time and taking everything to Him every day type friendship.

I think most people go through a point of that, but for many it becomes a point of no return. And it’s little things that distract me. Boredom. I am so easily bored and prone to laziness and wasting away. I am prone to trying to distract myself from boredom by things that do not really satisfy. I am prone to joke around about senseless things. I am prone to waste hours watching stupid videos on youtube. I have been very prone to watch movies, any and all movies… It always starts with great discretion and gets into anything and everything. Or music. Music that is about emotional things or about absolutely nothing or is just about the technical aspects of music theory. Music that sounds good but does not fill my heart in a lasting way. Or reading stories. These things that are a fake world. These things that put up a facade of depth and a facade of relationship and a facade of reality, but they are shallow and empty and when they are over they leave an empty feeling because they cannot satisfy. The most fulfilling of intellectual debates are pointless when all said and done. The highest achievement in education is foolish at the end of life. Even contributing to the freeing of thought for hundreds of others is utter foolishness if it’s wasted on thinking about things of this world. Debating fashion or politics, coming up with clever quips, enjoying unique personality traits, being creative and thinking outside of the box, promoting self-expression, writing long blogs and articles and novels and showing others how vast your vocabulary is, these things tickle fascination but they feel empty. Even those books that mention Jesus and how to live a cool and intellectual life for Him are just another thing to fill a void with some human answer. Knowing everything there is to know about Him is not the same as knowing Him. Taking man’s attempt to reach Him is not the same as really encountering Him.

This is not legalism. It’s not religious.

I have realized I am prone to boredom, and prone to wander to worthless things in cheap fulfillment of my need for fascination. Things that are about Jesus but really don’t bring me to Him are not worth it. It’s a journey. I won’t do perfect at it. But this mixing of secular and sacred is simply not enough. Taking songs by U2 and finding God in them is not going to do it anymore. I don’t care if someone thinks I’ve gone off the deep end. Have your opinions, share your opinions, this is my walk. This is where I am at.

I don’t want to try to look in the secular to find Him. I don’t want to take a cheap imitation and enjoy it like the original. I want Him. I want to be nearer to Him. I want to look at art inspired by the Holy Spirit, which gives Him the rightful credit. I want to listen to music that is born out of holiness, written by people who aren’t just looking to poetically express Him, but people who are seeking to know Him. I don’t want to go on interpreting the secular to try and make it sacred. I want to encounter Jesus.

I don’t know about the reader, but I know for me, I feel like the church does a lot to make you think it’s wrong to want that. For me, I’ve come out feeling like it’s supposed to happen in one certain way, and that we’re not supposed to do it our own way – which, I suppose, has a shred of truth to it. But I read the Bible and I see that the people there did things their own way, but the element they had was a true hunger for the Lord. It didn’t always look like a morning quiet time. It didn’t always look like we make it look. It looked like turning to God in hunger. It looked like a heart that was right before God, not actions.

Like Saul and David. Saul’s sin was so small compared to David’s. Saul just performed the job of a priest when it seemed like the priest was running late, and just took some sheep instead of seemingly wastefully slaying them. Seems silly that he suffered such a curse for it! But the problem was his disobedience. He sinned against God and he didn’t see that. When Samuel revealed it to him, instead of repenting, he tried to save face in front of the elders, to keep the respect of the people.

David did much worse. He murdered, he stole, he coveted, he committed adultery… in one big act. But when his sin was revealed, his heart was right before the Lord – he repented, fell on his face, his heart was grieved over it. He didn’t care about saving face, he knew he was unworthy of respect.

So I don’t care what it looks like to people. I am done with anything less than the Lord. I won’t do perfect at this. But as much as I can, I am done with movies, I am done with secular music, I am done with books that don’t lead me closer to the Lord. Finished. I know that when these things are in my life, I start to look at myself instead of the Lord. I become insecure, I become agitated and frustrated and anxious. I know that this is not good for me or the people around me. When I feed myself lies, I begin to believe them, so the only option is to eliminate anything with any shred of a lie from my life. It all comes down to Jesus. I want things that proclaim the truth of Jesus to be all that I take in. I want to be so saturated with the truth that it oozes from me, that I am like a wet sponge leaving a trail of it wherever I go. I want it to be pure and undefiled. I want to live in holiness.

I don’t care if someone thinks that I went to IHOP and got weird. I don’t care. I went there and I found a way to live that was joyous. I found a way to live where I was able to behold the Lord in a more sustained way. I found a way to walk in the presence of God. I tasted and saw the goodness of the Lord. I want more. He is too beautiful for me to look at anything else. I felt like I was at home because I stopped looking at my dwelling on earth. I began to experience life in the Kingdom. I want more. I’m ruined for this world. This world is going to try to pull me back into it. I have a real enemy who hates the vision I have right now. I want more of Jesus. I want all of Him that I can get. I want others to know Him this way. He is my Beloved. He is good. He is real and He wants me to know Him in a really real way.

I desire to behold Him face to face. I want to see His glory. I want to know Him so near and dear on this earth, in this life. I want to experience the depths of Him. I want the fullness of Him. I want the experiences. I am not going to settle for less. He is not upset with this. He satisfies it. He did it with Moses, with Jacob, with Daniel, with Paul, He delights when His people contend for Him. He loves to be found! He loves to be sought out. It is the glory of God to hide a matter, but the glory of His kings (for I am made a king and priest) to search Him out. He has constantly blessed those who long for Him. I want all of Him.

Nothing else is worth it.

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Published in: on August 13, 2009 at 5:13 pm  Leave a Comment  
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