A wall.

I feel I’m hitting walls sometimes. It can be most difficult to witness sometimes when people want to believe they are quite content in their world the way it is. Pride gets in the way a lot. I can’t say I would react much differently to someone who came up to me on the street. It’s hard. It’s harder when it’s friends and family, you have to see them again but the urgency of the message is the same! We are not guaranteed tomorrow. There is a real heaven and a real hell. Later might not come. People die. People you just saw not too long ago, today they’re not here anymore. So why hold back the truth in light of being less offensive, why make it a process, why be a “friend” who does good works so as to arouse curiosity yet never talks about the one thing most important to you until the “right time” – months down the line it hasn’t come? What kind of friendship is that?

I’ve found that people actually aren’t unforgivingly offended when you are their friend and yet right up front with Jesus in the midst of it. Growing up, many of my closest friends have not been those who walk with God. Really, it’s been the witches, the goths, the lesbians, the ones who like anime or LoTR or Star Wars a lot, the theater people. I remember even in Jr. high, I had a friend who was telling me that she was a lesbian, I jokingly scooted a little farther from sitting by her on the bench we were on but that was it. She knew I didn’t approve of her lifestyle but I still loved her. That’s pretty much always been the case. People are people primarily, before any of the other labels they slap on themselves or we give to them. In high school, same thing. A friend of mine had lost some of her closest friends to the betrayal of rejection when she shared with them that she had been in a lesbian relationship with someone. I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of that rejection.

I’m not at all walking in that lifestyle, but because of my associations and quirks people have tended to assume that of me. This is incredibly tough when the assumption is made at a Christian school, or among Christian friends. The one thing I cannot identify with is being treated that way, and actually claiming the identity. But I know what the rejection and the treatment is like. It’s incredibly lonely. And, in a sense, though I am not a lesbian, I was still being rejected for who I was – in a mislabeled fashion. Though it’s still not the same thing. But I ache for those people. They are some of the most beautiful people I’ve ever known. All of my friends who claim that identity have known the deepest hurts I’ve seen a person live through, and they’ve walked a very lonely path through it, yet remained some of the most down-to-earth people I know. I admire them for it. They’ve claimed an identity and given their whole beings to it. I wish more people who claimed Christianity as an identity would give their entire selves to it in such a manner. There is a difference between claiming an identity and actually being of that identity. I refuse to acknowledge the identity of homosexuality. Even to someone who is actively involved, I will not say that is who they are. It’s not. God doesn’t make mistakes. He makes people the way they are, and even though some people might have tendencies one way or another, I do not believe anyone was made that way. From a young age I’ve had a natural tendency towards anger, and a desire sometimes to act out in anger – sometimes even to the point of wanting to kill someone – but that does not make me angry. Every time that desire comes up, it is an opportunity, a string on my finger for me to turn and lean on God. I used to act like a bully, I used to act out violently, I’ve given my fair share of bloody noses, cuts, and bruises to others. This was the way I was from a very young age! It makes sense, I have found articles that say that anger is genetically linked. I was made angry. But I have the choice to act on my anger. I have the option to choose to bless someone instead of lash out at them, even though it often goes against everything in me. I am NOT an angry person. I am a person who has a natural tendency to want to punch you in the face, but I choose to refrain from acting on that. Every time I choose not to act on it, I desire the face-punching option much less, and I learn how to get by without it. Sometime I still want to beat down someone, sometimes I still want to punch a wall. A lot, actually. It gets easier not to, though. It has taken deliberate actions, too. Instead of holding anger against someone, I’ve begun to pray blessing to them and praise God for the way He made each individual. It’s hard to bless people who have shattered your life, betrayed you, etc but it’s a lot better feeling in the long run than holding stuff against them. Makes it a lot easier the next time you see them, for sure. Anyways, enough of that comparison. If you see any holes in the comparison, please, let me know. Feel free to email me at naikuu@gmail.com if you don’t want to post a comment.

We can’t go the Fred Phelps route and spew hatred at people. I hate how people who are living in heterosexual immorality pick up a sign and go rally against homosexuality. It has to break the Lord’s heart. Yes, the Bible condemns homosexuality. It also condemns immorality. It also condemns lust in the heart without action behind it. Jesus didn’t throw stones at the woman in adultery. He freed her from death, shame and accusation, He loved her, yet He was firm with her telling her to abstain from sinning anymore.

I’m all out of steam to type. My heart is broken over broken people who are being continually beaten down in the name of God. People who we want to tell how to live, yet wont touch with a 10-ft pole. One of my favorite moments from this summer was when my friend Jason was ministering to a man struggling with homosexuality, and Jason kissed this man with a brotherly kiss on the head. People are people and everyone needs affection and affirmation. We all need to be loved. I’m out of steam. Leave your thoughts.

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Published in: on August 17, 2009 at 12:19 pm  Comments (1)  

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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. i enjoyed your blog. Maybe you should check mine out. it i sjust starting but you might enjoy it too.
    ~droppingfigleaves


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